I've struggled with "my life's purpose" for as long as I can remember but always knew that whatever it was it would be GREAT.  Considering my upbringing of drug addicted parents, foster care and jetplane-esque house hopping, I would often fantasize about what it would be like to live a "normal" life.  Normal meaning having a home and friends for more than a few years.  Building unbreakable bonds with my brothers (I am the only girl of 5 children) a gift taken or shall I say never given.  Don't get me wrong, I love all my brothers and we have our own bond but its been proven to be a little on the rusty side.  Are we to blame for this?  I think not, we didn't choose to be born into this life but now that we're here we are expected to make the most of it. 


26 years young, I am at a crossroads in my life.  I call it the "Quarter Life Crisis".  Similar to the Mid-Life Crisis, its a battle of giving up and gaining.  Letting go of the things holding you back and gaining the struggles that will move you forward.  One fight I can admit I welcome with open arms as I desperately seek to find my seat or my marching boots in this society.  Maybe its the lack of education (I have never had...scratch that SEIZED the opportunity to complete my bachelors degree in Early Childhood Education, a goal that after 5 years of limbo is being tackled in 2011) that has me stumped on which road to follow or maybe its that I have acquired so much knowledge in my life's travels that settling on one set route wouldn't satisfy me.  That wouldn't be a surprise to many an ex boy/girlfriend!! :)  I know a little about a lot which if you ask me is a lot better than knowing a lot about nothing.  It makes choosing a career extremely difficult for a person with such a creative and eclectic frame of mind.

Asking yourself "what do you want to do" or "what will make you happy" is easy.  The difficult part is actually following through with your decision.  I have A LOT of trouble following through.  Its my fear of failure and fear of success that controls this evil condition.  I can't quite explain why I'm so frightened considering I have a number of tools I've acquired during my soap opera/reality show life that SHOULD be pushing me and inspiring me to take hold of my dreams but tainting these are unresolved family issues, a continuous battle of trust of self and others and okay...OKAY anger and hurt. 

My shrink (lol, you think I DON'T have one??) has instructed me on numerous occasions to use these emotions to my benefit and actually allow them to fuel my desires.  I ALMOST called her a bitch, doesn't she know that the anger and hurt is exactly what has me in her office???  HA!  I refuse to even consider what she's saying at this point.  I'm too caught up childishly thinking about the McDonald's across the street  from her 2nd floor office and wonder if I could get them to make a fresh batch of fries by asking for "no salt".  My way of avoiding the topic.  She's looking like she knows what I am thinking and ends the session, leaving me to ponder for the next week and a half if I'm actually making any progress with her. 

25 minutes and 2 cigs later, I'm in the drivethru PISSED because I have to WAIT for the fries.  Next time, I'm going to call before I go.  Changing the fast food game! 

I'm not 100% trustworthy of her at this point so really almost everything she tells me I put in a mental filing cabinet labeled "In Due Time".  And please, don't think I disagree with her because in all honesty I'm down with her suggestion.  Its ME that has to convince myself of it.  
 

So, the truth is.......................................

I'm rediscovering myself.  I must have a grip on my goals before my children start having goals and dreams of their own...hell, who am I kidding??? They already do!  What I'm trying to say is, I want to become a more stable parent.  I'm talking about being an emotionally sound individual.  One that doesn't bottle up and harbor ill feelings but can in a healthy way express thoughts and opinions, deal with emotional blows without blowing a gasket and therefore being able to teach my children to do the same.  Its something that doesn't come as naturally as you may think.  Sure, the basic guidelines are there but there aren't any sure fire ways to raising a well rounded, emotionally sound child, like life itself its all a learning process.

As my children spend their first Holiday Season without me, I hope that they understand what this year in particular means for our entire family.  It is a year of growth and maturity.  As they learn of life I too am in the same class, learning that I have to share the responsibility of parenthood because I don't HAVE to do it alone, learning how to cope with difficult emotions without saying to myself "you better not cry" and "(wo)man up" in reaction to displayed emotions and also understanding and accepting that everyone at some point in time goes through this chapter called..."its now or never".